Making big positive changes to a well entrenched lifestyle is sometimes tricky, and certainly takes time, often with many, many false starts! We kick off well, full of enthusiasm and good intentions, but as time progresses our normal Modus Operandi tends to creep in again and we slowly slip back into old ways. Homeschooling for less than 6 months, I'm really getting a face to face look at this issue! I've been confronting the gap between my well-intentioned values and deeply held beliefs about how our homeschool day 'should' be, and the reality of life as a homeschooler, solo parent, business owner, partner, sister, daughter and all the other miscellaneous roles we adopt in life. Some days we lose hope that we'll ever be able to change to the extent, and in the way we want. Despair comes. Frustration happens. And yet again we regress. This is why, when helping clients to make sustainable changes to their health and lifestyle (one of my life-roles), I teach them about my 80/20 rule. It really is the golden rule to making changes that stick! The key is to do the desired activity only 80 percent of the time. The other 20 percent, let yourself relax, don't beat yourself up over not having 100% stuck to your resolve. Yep... I said it... 100% is out... 'near enough IS good enough' is totally IN! I know... this flies in the face of convention, motivational and inspirational speaking, pep talks and all those well meaning, hardcore boot-camp style programs and tips. And believe me, doing less than perfect, being less than perfect takes practice! This rule is AWESOME for people who have perfectionist tendencies, and have been raised to believe that you have to do better than your best all the time or you're failing. You'll also be the ones who struggle most with this rule! We are the ones who work too long, too hard, check details too many times, beat ourselves up when we don't do enough, are not enough, have not enough. I write as therapy for myself of course! I have had big issues with it to start with in implementing the 80/20 rule into my health and lifestyle planning. But as I went along, I realised that I spend so much of my time beating myself up about 'failing' to make the right changes 100% of the time, that I was making things worse and making it WAY harder to stick to the desired change. My mindset was terrible! My internal dialog went something like this... "you're not doing it right. You're never going to be able to do this. You stuffed it up again. What makes you think you can do this? You might as well quit now. What's the point, you've failed again." etc. SHOCKING! The scary thing is that now I find myself with a frighteningly similar inner dialogue with respect to how I am homeschooling my kids. Now, most people are smart enough to realise this kind of inner dialogue is not only counterproductive, but harmful too! Yes... I am smart enough to work that out too. Let's face it, this kind of self talk was probably a big contributor to why it took me so long to make the lifestyle improvements I was aiming for and the same reason that I am putting me and my kids under so much pressure to homeschool 'right'. Fact is, it is extremely counterproductive, and seriously slows positive change down to a strained crawl through quicksand. So... the 80/20 rule is a trick that we can apply to our brain to get around negative self-dialogue (and perhaps that of a critical parent/spouse). When we consciously decide to ONLY do the said change 80% of the time and give ourselves a break the other 20%, suddenly our brain starts noticing that we are achieving our goal... the diminishing self talk starts to ease. You'll also notice it is EASIER to get some traction on those habits you're wanting to break. If you try the 80/20 rule and you're still not sticking to your plan change, it is likely you have some unconscious, deep, core belief systems that are sabotaging your efforts and on some level part of you is attached to you stay in your old ways. Yep... I have these too... we all have them, albeit in different areas of our lives. (I use Mindfulness meditation to bring my awareness to the though or belief that is running my actions, then a powerful energy psychology technique called EFT Tapping to reprogram those limiting thoughts/beliefs... works a treat! It's amazing what unconscious crap you can locate and clear this way, thereby freeing yourself up to move forward with more clarity and ease! I eat, breathe and teach these two techniques - Just ask me if you need a leg up too!) If this happens, you could try a 50/50 or 70/30 rule until the changes become easy and then work your way up to 80/20 (which eventually creates lasting change). The Caveat... this idea might work for some people, but in my experience there is not enough of a shift into the new lifestyle to see any real improvements, and the defeatist self talk can kick in again. 80/20 really is the Golden Rule. If you know you want the change and are really frustrated with not being able to even do 80/20, you might also like to consider working with a practitioner to find the cause of the difficulties you have making change, and pull them out by the roots! You may have a very ingrained energy pattern that needs an external person to see and manoeuvre around so that you can reprogram your mindset. So... here's an example. I want my kids to do 120 min of maths study per week. 80% of that is... um... 96mins (I had to get a calculator... I'm crap at maths...which is why I'm wanting them to learn!)... the extra 20% of the time we will not pressure ourselves. If we manage to get the extra time in during the week in some kind of ad hoc, incidental way, then its a WIN WIN! During the week we will do at least 96 mins of maths work, and because we don't like maths, I will also break that down into 20% chunks and spread it out over the week. All of a sudden, maths becomes fun, easy and quick...and we've achieved our goal :) OR 80% of each day I will not eat grains, and 20% of the time I allow myself a grain (but wheat free) food. Here's another... I want to change my negative programming and develop a more positive mindset 80% of the time, I change my sentence out loud if I catch myself staying something negative, and I turn it around. 20% of the time I know that I am doing my best, and sometimes it is good to 'get it out of my system' and talk about what is getting me down. You see?! It's easy if you go easy! Part of the beauty of this rule is that you get to decide the best way to apply the 80/20 rule. You decide. The takeaway? Self punishment must be OUT if we're going to sustain our changes over the long term. We're looking at the end game here. The 80/20 Rule is about being kind and having self compassion whilst making challenging changes one step at a time. ------------
What are your thoughts on the 80/20 rule? Have you tried to make changes and 'failed'? Do you get help for making changes stick or try to go it alone? Please comment below or click share and contribute to the conversation on facebook :) Shine Bright! Kristy xx **modified from www.myholisticnurse.org with permission
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